I too like to live dangerously.

Christian Louboutin, the perfector of the sexed up shoe, has been quoted as saying “I would hate for someone to look at my shoe and say, ‘Oh my God! That looks so comfortable!’ That’s not what I want to project. But I’m not a sadist. I don’t believe suffering makes you beautiful. But comfort is not part of my creative process.”  Only the beginning and end of that quote are true statements. Not only is he a sadist (try a pair on and you’ll know) and the women who love his creations do indeed suffer for beauty (Morphine anyone?), but they will also happily fork over their rent money to do so. Now I’d like to ask, who in their right mind would ever look at a pair of Louboutins (see photo right) and mistake them for Easy Spirits? It’s so far removed from the realm of possibility it’s like asking Sarah Palin to string together a coherent sentence. Or Kanye to rescue kittens and help little old ladies cross the street. Or Guidos from the Jersey Shore to forgo tanning and hair gel. Unfathomable.

Louboutin may not want you to be comfortable in your 4″ stilettos, but I do. In a previous post (“AMAZON GIRL: DID SOMEONE SAY THE C-WORD?“), I referenced the shoe graveyard existing in every woman’s home. Well, I’m about to show you how to eliminate it all together. If you’ve ever used shoe inserts, you know that they don’t do much to prevent foot pain. While they seem like a good idea, cushioning doesn’t get at the root of the problem. Enter Insolia, a small, clear plastic insert designed to shift weight from the ball of the foot to the heel and improve alignment while wearing heels. Insolia was invented by world-renowned podiatrist Dr. Howard Dananberg and an MIT rocket scientist. Dananberg learned that for women, walking in high heels was much like walking downhill. Weight was shifted to the ball of the foot, as if the wearer were standing on a ramp. This can cause all sorts of problems, including bunions, hammer toes, knee and back pain. Dananberg realized that if he could find a way to shift the weight, giving some of it back to the heel to create a more even distributed-pressure relationship, high heels might begin to feel like flat shoes.

Insolia Inserts - a heel's best friend

Here’s where I let on to my inner geek and tell you the part I find fascinating. Using F-Scan technology to map pressure points exerted by the foot at various heel heights, he was able to create a flexible insole that would put the foot in optimal position. The construction, called a “cup and bump” by the inventor, cups the heel and increases contact area throughout the sole so that high heels suddenly feel about half as high as what the wearer is actually wearing. God I love it when science, technology and fashion come together to form a happy, polygamous union!

The makers promise you can wear your heels 3-4 times longer. Guess what? They work! Finally a product that does what it claims. I was skeptical, but when I wore stilettos I had previously been able to wear for only 15 min to a friend’s wedding for 5 hrs, I was converted. My feet only became sore after 4 hrs, which is more than I could ask of any pair of heels. I only wish the adhesive was stronger because the pointy end of the insert has a tendency to pop up, but it doesn’t affect the performance as far as I can tell, so I can live with it.

This is easily the best purchase I’ve made all year. I may have gone a little over board because I bought over 20 pairs of the inserts. What can I say? I had visions of grandeur – me being fabulous in my Louboutins at the grocery store, “What these 4.5 inchers? Oh they’re practically running shoes dahhhling!” Seriously, they’ve given me back some gorgeous shoes sitting idle in my closet that I was worried I was going to have to get rid of. It’s like Toy Story but with shoes!

A few points worth mentioning – Insolia works best on shoes with 1.5 inch heel height or more, and they may not be as effective for people with high arches since they are “natural heel wearers.” One final bit of advice: Insolia Inserts can make a Good Shoe Great, they can’t make a bad shoe good.  If the shoe doesn’t fit, or is poorly made, Insolia are probably not going to fix the problem. Insolia Inserts make a great stocking stuffer. Happy stiletto wearing!

Sorry I had to.

I write this to you as I suffer from THE COLD THAT WILL NOT DIE, which has me feeling my head is about to explode grey matter all over my fuzzy bunny slippers, which of course is going to make today’s post that much more ornery. It doesn’t help that Whitney Houston is staring at me from the cover of next month’s InStyle with an octopus on her head. That puts me in a very bad place because it reminds me that many of my 80’s and 90’s idols are suffering from a fate worse than death – the embarrassing comeback. If only they would remain in oblivion whence The Bangles came from, living on in our cherished memories of that cluelessly blissful-big-haired time. New Kids on the Block, Paula Abdul, George Michael, Whitney Houston and Antonio Sabato Jr I’m talkin’ to you! They should be doing what any self-respecting washed up celebrity would do – go quietly into that good night (i.e. hooking on the street to support their raging drug habit). But no they have to be camera whores and inform us what Grade A dirt bags they are. To be fair, it can’t be easy for poor Whit knowing she will never top The Bodyguard, but then she has the leftover royalties she didn’t blow on whack crack and rehab to comfort her, which is more than I can say for me and my bunny slippers.

But I didn’t come to you today to talk about busted 80’s stars (speaking of have you seen Kelly LeBrock lately???). My beef today is with the fashion industry. Right around the time the recession hit, a slew of wacky fashions hit the market. I’m all for the ridiculous as the sublime, but I just can’t get behind these looks. Witness the load-in-my harem pant, the perma-wedgie jumpsuit, the football-shoulder-padded blazer, and the bizarre S&M footwear, all styled within an inch of their lives to get you the recalcitrant consumer to loosen the purse strings. Beyonce and Rihanna notwithstanding, I’m going to call a spade a spade and say the coveted pointy shouldered Balmain jacket is ugly as sin and makes 00 models look like linebackers, and that really is a sin (all that vomiting for naught!).  The theory I’m putting forth is that designers didn’t want to waste their good designs at a time when no one would buy them, so they saw this as an opportunity to bring all the reject designs from seasons past that landed on the cutting room floor to life (ha ha joke’s on you if you have Prada mohawk shoes sitting in your closet). See fashion can be quite tricky. You must have the ability to judge um ugly stuff.

But that’s not what’s eating at me either because there are always some sensible and inspired designers to rely on. Now I am a professional shopper whose more than done her part to support the economy. I know quality and I’ll pay for it. So after tirelessly culling through all the nonsense out there, imagine my surprise when I find many of my purchases are white washed tombs. I’ve been bamboozled, led astray, run amuck! Items which looked so shiny and pretty in the store are falling apart after three, two or even one (gentle) use. Before you’re even over your shopping high, you’re catch is in tatters. What makes the problem so insidious is that it is becoming more difficult to discern manufacturers have cut corners, which tells me they’re getting better at it (how would you know a well established jewelry designer didn’t use strong enough glue to hold the stones in place?) and that is especially true when you’re buying things over the Internet. You’ll say, “That’s what reviews are for, duh.” Just a minute Sherlock. I’ve also come to discover that some web retailers actively prevent negative reviews (even ones that conform to their nebulous rules) from appearing on their sites, and they don’t even have to tell you why. Shock! Horror! All very shady business if you ask me.

Many reviewers/bloggers state that they don’t want to waste time talking about stuff that sucks because it’s more helpful to readers to talk about stuff that rocks (what goes unsaid is who wants to jeopardize a possible sponsorship deal or free swag?). I used to see the sense in that (the sticking to the good stuff part, not the shortchanging readers bit), but I’ve been burned quite a lot recently. I have to imagine others have as well, and during these tough times, who wants to waste their money on beribboned crap? Without further adieu, here’s OP’S SHIT LIST. Feel free to add to it in the comments.

• Diane von Furstenberg – $225 silk blouse – large rip along seam after first wear. Don’t ask me how this happened. I couldn’t be more gentle on my stuff if I was a mummy.
• Kenneth Jay Lane – $150 crystal ring purchased from Saks- 5-6 stones fell out within 3 days (never banged or dropped). I actually liked this ring so much I bought it again (this time from QVC) thinking the first one was a fluke. Hey if this brand was good enough for Jackie O who was I to question? Same thing happened, except this time it arrived with some of the stones missing and then preceded to lose more every day.
• QVC – offending e-tailer that sold me the junk Kenneth Jay Lane ring the second time around and then refused to publish a reasonable review describing my experience arrogantly stating they are not obliged to furnish a reason. It’s not like they even got the benefit of a full-on scathing OP review. This was OP-light on Prozac in comparison. I find this the most despicable practice of all – pretending to provide informative reviews to help your consumers make sound purchasing decisions when you are really just stacking the deck. They might let a few less than glowing reviews slip in just so it all seems kosher, but don’t be fooled.
• Any Saks Fifth Avenue Brand Jewelry – I’ve purchased many and let’s just say I have jewelry I’ve purchased from NYC street vendors with better staying power.
• RJ Graziano – $75 multi-strand faux pearl necklace – one strand snapped after 1 hr of wear.
• Citizens of Humanity – $220 skinny jeans – it pains me to write this because I love me some Citizens – super comfortable and great fit (my husband on the other hand is overjoyed since he thinks skinnies are God’s joke on womankind…the word sausage is flung about quite a bit) . However these got a large hole in an unmentionable area after half a dozen wears. Yes, they fit me properly…humph.
• Banana Republic – $98 wide leg jeans – so it’s not like I’m doing cartwheels in my jeans, but these had the same problem as the Citizens except the fraying was extensive (the hem completely fell apart for one). And these were wide leg jeans so you can’t say it was my big arse that split the skinny jeans! Slowly back away from the ledge…
• Ann Klein – $50 leather belt – incredibly it snapped in half during the first wear! One minute I’m standing talking to a friend, the next I’ve come undone. All I could do was gape. I couldn’t be more in awe if someone took a proton gun, aimed it at me, fired and the belt dissolved before me. It actually took me a few minutes to register that a brand new belt actually crumbled on me. On closer inspection, my “genuine leather” belt has only a thin layer of leather on the outside and asbetos (I don’t know some fiberboard-type material) inside, all held together (or not) with cheap glue. Where they hidin’ the good stuff? Is there some kind of run up on Super Glue I’m not aware of? I bet it has to do with the price of corn.

Maybe I’m just unbelievably unlucky (see aforementioned mutant cold), but I think there are too many incidences to be a coincidence. Obviously, these are only my experiences and I’m sure these brands have made some great items that have made millions of people happy, myself included. My only point is, and this is fact, many companies have cut corners to the extent that they are manufacturing products as cheaply as they possibly can. Don’t assume that just because it’s a luxury brand and expensive that it is quality and will last. It’s up to you to be vigilant about your purchases (save all those receipts and make a stink with the retailer or manufacturer if you have to) or maybe lay low on the shopping scene altogether. Wow I must not be well.

Every women possesses a shoe graveyard – the unfortunate that didn’t make it because sadistic designers think it’s cute to torture women or have zero knowledge of anatomy and physics. Requiscat in Pace ill begotten ones. No wonder then I’ve developed a secret obsession over the years with finding high heels that are both stylish and the dreaded “C” word: COMFORTABLE. Admittedly, it’s an extraordinarily counter-productive quest. But I’ve been reduced to tears and bloody stumps too many times to to know that once you’ve been burned by a pair of shoes, they become relegated to the farthest corner of your closet to assuage your guilt at having made such an asinine fashion decision. Does any one else beat themselves up with this thought, “If only I had walked around in the damn things a few more minutes while in the store!”? As if that would solve anything. Everyone knows:

PLUSH STORE CARPETING + SHOPPING INDUCED ADRENALINE RUSH = POOR FOOTWEAR CHOICE

When shoe shopping, I sometimes harbor the secret desire to run out on to the rough and tumble streets to see what they really feel like. Is that nuts? I think stores need to revolutionize the shoe shopping experience. How about they start by putting different types of terrain for you to walk on, like cobblestone, grass, subway grates and concrete littered with turds so you can check the shoe’s sudden braking and turning radius abilities. This serves a tri-fold purpose: Designers will be forced to create shoes that perform, retailers will drastically cut down on returns, and the consumer goes home with the perfect footwear (we’ll conveniently ignore the fact that the shoes might get a little beat up).

Finally, on to my new favorite discovery (sometimes it’s fun to make you work a little to find my gems). I’ve long been a fan of Kenneth Cole shoes for their modern looks and comfortable fits, so when I was perusing the store recently I was not let down. Check these babies out:

Kenneth Cole Reaction "Stud Dare"

That’s 4″ of goodness. I love the woven design and the leather’s butter soft quality. Best of all, these wedges will make you look like an Amazon while still managing to feel good on your feet. They’re super comfy due to the extra cushioning. And they’re under 100 bucks. Think of all the money you’ll save on taxis! You can wear them into the fall too by pairing them with tights. My husband will be so relieved he won’t have to bail me out of the city jail any time soon for running out of a shoe store.

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Manumission Products - Natural & Effective

I’ve been a very bad girl. I know I know I’ve been gone a long time and in so doing, broken the cardinal rule of blogging: Thou shalt appease your readers on a regular basis. All I can offer in my defense is I was working on my Master’s thesis. No food. No sleep. I was a ghost. A shadow of my former self. Now you may congratulate me as I’ve graduated. Yippee! Onward and upward!

Last we left off we were talking about fashion victims, bless their souls. So while men are busy making poor sartorial choices, they’re also busy neglecting their skin. To be fair, European men are better at this, but they also know how to tie scarves in cool, intricate ways and make pasta so I feel it’s an unfair comparison. How difficult is it to get a man to slather a cream on their face, even if it will do something minor like protect them from oh say cancer? Let’s just say I’ve had an easier time deboning salmon and bathing a Chow Chow. Nagging isn’t effective. The way to go is to promise your significant other that it will make them look better, smell better and generally make them more attractive to the opposite sex. Or you can just slap it on their face yourself. Just tell them it’s a “massage.”

It’s important that the products look and feel good too and that’s where Manumission comes in (I do have a personal relationship with the folks at the company). Manumission is the first comprehensive line of personal care products engineered for daily use by extreme athletes. Every ounce is loaded with vitamins, antioxidants and essential oils to give the body’s first layer of defense every advantage possible. What I love is that there are no harmful ingredients in it like parabens or petroleums. The company also donates $10,000 every year to charities assisting the men and women in uniform. The line includes a body bar, face wash, body wash, shave gel and facial moisturizer. All the products have a fresh, citrus scent and are unisex. My girlfriends and I are addicted to the body bar because it’s awesome at taking off even the most stubborn makeup. Also, the shave gel is divine – it’s revolutionized the shaving experience for bald guys.

Plus the packaging is bad ass and looks really cool in your bathroom. In short, Manumission gets the OP Seal of Approval for the holy trifecta: form, function and value. You can get the entire line at www.fightceuticals.com. The products were featured in the July issue of Fight! magazine. Right now they’re running a promotion – free shipping on orders of $50 or more. Get it while the gettin’ is good!

A Pants Revolution

You may have never heard of Khaki Diaper Butt (KDB), but you’ve definitely seen it. You know when a guy’s pants hang too low in the back and it looks like they’re carrying a load? That’s KDB and it’s rampant. I’ve always felt sorry for guys because they’ve never had many sartorial options. Enter a pair of clever entrepreneurs who heeded their calling in life: To create great fitting pants for men. It’s about friggin time is all I have to say.

The key to Bonobos’s great fit is in the curved waist band which eliminates bunching. The pants fit athletic builds while still managing to look stylish. I’m also digging their smart tie belts (see left photo). The trousers have a bit of a flare on the bottom which balances out a larger top half. The fabrics are ultra-soft and high end. A nice touch are the little flashes of fun lining peaking out through the pockets. I can appreciate when such thoughtfulness is put into a garment. In fact, I’ve purchased several pairs for my family and they’re all hooked, metrosexuals and manly men alike. Let it not be said that OP only looks out for the ladies.

Free shipping for exchanges caters to the way we all like to shop online. Best of all they have a great return policy: you can return the product at any time for any reason, even if you’ve washed and hemmed them, no questions asked. It doesn’t get any better than that. So transform your men’s closets ladies and grab some Bonobos! You’ll thank me when you see their onion butts in them…when you’re done crying that is.

P.S. While we’re at it, guys quit hemming your pants so short! At the very least they should hit the top of your heel. Excessive shortening results in a truncated leg line, i.e. you on the whole look shorter and squatter. I know there’s this whole complicated issue of where your pants break, but a good tailor should know how to make it shorter in the front to address the break issue while keeping it longer in the back. I’d much rather not see your socks. Frankly, I find it vaguely unsettling.

It’s the moment you’ve waited for. Drum roll please…OP’s mega-list of all her favorite things! You know I’ve tested practically everything on the market. Products work differently on people so you may not be as ecstatic as I am about certain items, but I am confident these products represent the best in their categories…until something new comes along to dethrone them, in which case you can be sure I’ll update you. Without further ado, let’s name names.

BEST:

• Foundation: SK-II Air Touch Foundation – See my previous review.
• Mineral Foundation: La Bella Donna Loose Mineral Foundation – Won’t break you out, has SPF 20 and won’t give you the tin man look unlike many mineral foundations.
• Translucent Powder: Laura Mercier – Great for setting concealer and eliminating shine. Finely milled.
• Concealer: Kanebo Sensai Concealer Pen – It’s a concealer and highlighter in one and it’s great for concealing dark circles, blemishes and scars. It’s also formulated to help hydrate skin (great for wrinkles) and improving skin texture. The brush is made from delicate hair so that it can be used on sensitive eye areas, though I just apply it with my finger. Dermatologists agree that this SPF 15 silky smooth formula is tops. They voted it ‘Healthiest Concealer of 2005′ in Health Magazine. You can also use this concealer to highlight your brow bone and the rim of your lips to make your lipstick pop. Available in three shades: light, medium and dark. It’s not widely available, but they do carry it at Saks and Bergdorf’s.

• Matte Bronzer: Trish McEvoy Matte Bronzer – Finally a bronzer with no shimmer. Good staying power.
• Shimmery Bronzer: Laura Mercier Golden Mosaic – Have I just contradicted myself? Sometimes you need a little shimmer (use sparingly). A versatile product you can use it as a bronzer, highlighter and eyeshadows.
• Pink Blush: Bobbi Brown in Pale Pink – Scary neon looking pink but it looks natural once on.
• Peach Blush: Milani Mineral Blush in Luminous – This is a dupe for Nars Orgasm, but is more pigmented. It has a beautiful golden shimmer which looks especially good against tan summer skin.
• Eye Shadows: Laura Mercier – You can’t go wrong with any of her colors. They are all sophisticated and wearable. My favorites are Burnished Copper and Titanium Metallic Crème Eye Colour, Pewter, Chambord, and Topaz.
• Volumizing Mascara: Cover Girl Volume Exact - Va va va voom lashes.
  
• Natural Looking Mascara: Maybelline Lash Discovery – For those low key days you just want a little definition. The small brush grabs even the tiniest hairs.
• Eyelash Curler: Shu Uemura – The long, reigning king of curlers. No beauty list is complete without it.
• Eyeliner: Laura Mercier Kohl Eye Pencil in Black Turquoise, Black Violet and Antique Jade; MAC Smolder Eye Kohl, Clinique Cream Shaper in Chocolate Lustre.
• Gel Eyeliner: Bobbi Brown – Lots of great colors. Black Ink can be used to create a dramatic cat eye.
• Cake Liner for Tightlining: Laura Mercier in Black Ebony – I’ll explain tightlining in another post.
• Brow Powder: MAC Brow Shader – I like Walnut for brunettes.
• Brow Pencil: Anastasia Perfect Brow Pencil – The spooly brush on the other end is very handy.
• Brow Tamer: Flirt 3-in-1 Mascara Lash Glosser, Primer & Brow Groomer
• Lip Gloss: Chanel Glossimer in Spark (raspberry red); Bobbi Brown in Rosy and Nectarine; Cosmoholic in Promiscuous Pink, Bossy Berry and Rockstar Red.
• Lip Stick: Laura Mercier Stickgloss in Brown Sugar, Purple Haze and Black Orchid, Chanel Russet Moon (deep red).
• Brushes: MAC, Trish McEvoy, Japonesque
• Makeup Remover: Extra Virgin Olive Oil – There’s really no reason to pay for expensive makeup removers that are loaded with chemicals. This a natural, cheap, readily available and effective choice for dissolving your makeup. It works great to clean mu brushes too, but you do need to follow with shampoo to get out the oily residue (the reason to use the EVOO in the first place is it conditions the hair so it doesn’t dry out).
  
• Teeth Whitener: Listerine Whitening Quick Dissolving Strips - 10 minutes for 2 weeks yields noticeably whiter teeth. Trust me people will comment. It is much cheaper than professional whitening. I like these strips better than Crest’s because they do not make my teeth sensitive. Crest’s were actually painful to use. Sharp, shooting pains to the brain are no good.
• Nail Treatment: Nailtique 2 - This is a protein treatment for weak nails that peel and break. You can wear it alone or under polish. It comes in different strengths but personally I like level 2.
  
• Pink Nail Polish: Essie in Sugar Daddy- Streak free, chip resistant formula.
• Red Nail Polish: Essie in Bordeaux (deep red) and Fishnet Stockings (true red).
• Long Lasting Nail Polish: Revlon Colorstay in Sheer Bliss (light pink) – Lasts for 8 days and this from a person who usually sees chips the next day.
• No Time for a Manicure Product: Sally Hansen Natural Shine Instant Nail Finish – Gives a soft sheen to the nails as if they were buffed but without the negative side effects (buffing erodes the top layers and makes your nails thinner and weaker). I like the pink tint formula for a little bit of color. The packaging is terrible, both form and function wise, but the quick drying formula (literally seconds) and subtly polished look it gives compensates for that.
• Skincare Line: Cetaphil – It’s not fancy, but it’s effective. I’m a little embarrassed to recommend something so basic, but I’m in a back-to-basics state of mind. I’m always amused by the thought of people who come to visit expecting $300 creams in my bathroom only to find this boring white and blue packaging. I have tons of the high priced stuff, but still I come back to good ol’ Cetaphil. Their face wash, moisturizer and sun screen all do what they say. It’s great for people with sensitive skin.
• Moisturizing Body Wash: Olay Ultra Moisture with Shea Butter – your skin will feel so soft and plump after using this. Lathers nicely too.
• Hair Treatment: Kerastase Aqua Oleum – Your hair will feel like silk after only 10 min of this in your hair. Plus it smells divine.
• Defrizzer: Extra Virgin Olive Oil – OK I’m really starting to show my Greek roots here by harping on this product, but science bears out that EVOO is one of the few oils (coconut being the other) that can penetrate the hair shaft. A few drops of this after you style your hair and your hair will be soft, shiny and frizz free. Concentrate on the ends first and only dab the tiniest amount on flyaways at your roots (aka “antenna”). You can also use it as a deep conditioner. I’ve actually had people ask me if this will make you smell like a salad and attract flies, to which I have to say “only if you also add vinegar, gorgonzola, candied walnuts, dried cranberries and some crutons.” Stick a fork in it, you’re done.
• Styling Cream: Frederic Fekkai Glossing Cream – Due to the olive oil in it, it softens hair and eliminates frizz without weighing it down. This is my favorite product to use at the beach. Try it instead of gel for a soft, non crunchy look.
• Heat Protectant: Kerastase Ciment Thermique – I even use this when I let my hair air dry just because it makes your hair so soft. It’s designed to work best under heat however.
• Hair Dryer: T3 Evolution – I bought it when it first came out for $300 (the prices have since come down), which sounds insane, but this combined with my flat iron has saved me so many trips to the salon. Plus the time savings alone is worth it. From 30 min to 15 min blow dry time. Yay for tourmaline negative ions! It’s also gentler on your hair than a standard hair dryer.
• Flat Iron: GHD Styler – This is the Rolls Royce of flat irons and at $240 it better be. It can be found cheaper on eBay, just be wary of fakes. It has no heat settings because it has built in technology to sense exactly how much heat your hair needs. Also, it heats up in about 15 seconds (you know how big I am on time being money). It emits infrared heat and negative ions, both of which are less damaging to the hair and reduces static. Universal voltage means you can use it around the world. Best of all, it straightens, curls and adds waves to hair without robbing it of volume. Results are long lasting, so even if it’s humid your hair looks great.
• Web Site for Cosmetics Reviews: MakeupAlley – Consider this the beauty bible which will save you from making many expensive mistakes. Tons of user reviews on practically every product you can think of. And if it’s not there, you can be the first to start one.

There I’ve laid it all out on the line. Let it not be said OP is not a sharer. Now stop bugging me about my favorites.

What are you smiling at?

I am angry. I am an angry New Yorker. It is my God-given right as a citizen of the world’s greatest city to criticize, rant and generally go on diatribes about anything and everything. I am especially angry when I ride the subway, which is at least twice a day. Why oh why must people block the doors so that people cannot exit or enter the train? Why must every genetically gifted person jut out their backside when I try to make my way to the interior of the train? Why must every non diminuitive person try to squeeze into the smallest seating space possible and crush me in the process? Do I not occupy space and matter too?  And why oh why is the stench of urine suddenly so overwhelming it brings tears to my eyes? I really hope my olfactory nerves are not becoming more perceptive with age. Cheerful persons will assert the subways are the vital arteries of the city that push us forward in a rush of life. I say a girl needs her breathing room every once in awhile (“Back away from the Manolos”). My brother tells me I need to move to the country (i.e. Connecticut) and interact with my neighbors, as if that would cure me. Meanwhile I laugh at the notion of me driving.

Still I have my methods of coping. I’m not nearly as angry as I used to be since getting an iPhone. Music helps me tune out the person to my left hip checking me and the greasy guy in front who calls me “chula” while staring at me like an escapee from Rikers. Another tool in my arsenal, albeit completely involuntary, is…I should be ashamed to admit this…I mentally give random people makeovers. I see so much bad style on the subways, it’s hard not to do. Here’s a round-up of the usual suspects. If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, run don’t walk to the nearest beauty professional…and read all the posts on this blog while you’re at (I’ve optimized this blog for mobile devices didn’t you know?).

• Fake nails – I don’t understand the appeal of going to a dirty nail salon every other week to have your nails sanded, blasted and filled with acrylic just so you can have obviously false nails and expose yourself to infectious diseases. The sheer boredom of waiting for your nails to dry while staring at a set of nails on the wall with airbrush designs from the ’80s (quite the convincing upsell) is unbearable. I tried tips twice (slow learner), but never again. It felt like my fingers were bird claws. I don’t particularly like not being able to clasp/unclasp jewelry, take out contact lenses, or type. Those seem like reasonable things to expect to do with your fingers. Fake nails are the cosmetics industry’s biggest con job. Save your money and buy yourself a good nail treatment – you’re going to need it after all the abuse your poor nails have been through.
• Too dark lipstick – I once met a 50 year old mother, who was not by the way Goth, wearing BLACK lipstick. I didn’t hear a word she said because I was fixated on her lips. The dialogue in my head went something like this “Her lips are BLACK. Why are they BLACK? Doesn’t she own a mirror? It reminds me of mold. Or the gross stuff you pull out from a drain. *Gag* I’m going to be sick.” Forget the YSL Fall Runway Show. It didn’t look good even on pre-pubescent-6 ft.-anorexic models, and no it won’t look good on you. And yet reports that women across the country were desperately trying to get their mitts on the very same color. Don’t slavishly follow trends, especially when you don’t know how much acid was consumed in creating them. Super dark colors (including reds and browns) are nearly always aging and frankly repulsive – they draw attention to discolored teeth and dark undereye circles.
• Frizzy hair – I know NY can be humid, but that’s why God invented hats and Pucci scarves. Seriously, a couple of minutes with a flat iron and a little Frizz Ease never hurt anyone.
• Too dark lip liner – See before & after photo. This makes the face look painted, much like a drag queen. Lip liner should not be that much darker than your lipstick or else you get an obvious ring.  Many people don’t need liner anyway.
• Too much foundation – No skin is so bad that it looks better with 20 lbs of pancake (you’ll note this is the second time I’ve used the word “pancake” in this blog. Nobody says “pancake” anymore except 80 year old grandmothers. I’m either really hungry or I’m just feelin’ this throwback). This too is aging. Use lighter formulas with more pigment and apply in thin layers.
• Wrong color foundation - In the photo you can see her foundation was too dark and orangey for her skin tone. If the color is too light, your skin will look chalky. It needs to be just right. Match it to your jaw. Makeup Forever and Bobbi Brown have a good range of colors, especially for yellow and olive undertones. If your undertones are pink, stick to Estee Lauder.
• Not enough color - So many sad, bare faces, so little time. See my post on the “5-Minute Face.”
• Tanorexia - Not as big of a problem as in CA, but I still see it sometimes. Step away from the tanning bed, spray tan, and bronzer. A little bronzer is ok, but don’t cake it on all over your face.
• Eyebrows drawn in too darkly – Refer to before & after photo. This is what I call the “witchy” look. Whenever I see it, I wonder what was so wrong with her natural look that she had to go and create this look? Doesn’t she look scary and unapproachable? The goal is for everything to blend in and work as a cohesive whole, not to call attention to any one feature like “Hello here are my eyebrows!” And while I’m at it, don’t ever ever tattoo your brows, or anything else on your face for that matter. First it looks unnatural, second it’s known to change color, third the position of your face changes with age, but the tattoo doesn’t, which makes for an awkward look. Back to our model. She’s better off with a brow powder which is a shade lighter than her hair color. Apply it with an angled brush in short, feathery strokes. Then go through it with a spoolie brush. See how much prettier she looks in the after photo?
  

  Before and After: Scary/Not Scary

• Too tight ponytail – I always feel the impulse to give two Advil to anyone wearing this style because I know they must have an awful headache. Loosen up. Life’s too short and your hair follicles are only dwindling.
• Crunchy hair – Are people really still wearing crunchy, curly hair from the ’80s? You betcha. The wet look is in full effect. Ladies, trade in the gel for styling cream (e.g. Frederic Fekkai Glossing Cream) and people won’t be afraid to hug you.
• Brassy hair color – What’s the point of having lighter hair if it looks like crap? If your hair is dark and you cannot find/afford a salon which will give you realistic looking highlights, you’re better off keeping it as is or using a color similar to your natural shade to cover grays. Don’t go to the same place you get your nails done for your highlights. I’ll end up seeing you on the train with countless others sporting orange or green tinted hair, tacky fake nails, and pocketless jeans. Do you really want to descend into the 7th circle of style hell?

Please ease my mental anguish and heed my advice. If you have a friend or relative who suffers from any of the above afflictions, it is your duty to perform an intervention. Together we can create a prettier world.

I’m not actually cheap, but I do pride myself on getting the best value for the money. Friends often ask what cosmetics they should buy at the drugstore and what they should splurge on in department stores. Considering every where you turn there is a publication featuring a headline on how to save money or do more with less, I thought now is as timely as ever to delve into this subject.

Here are the best products to get at the drugstore:

1. Mascara – When you can get fabulous mascaras for $7 or less why spend $27 on a department store brand? Plus you have to replace mascara so often, buying a high priced one just seems foolish. Clear mascara is great for taming the brows as well. Cover Girl Volume Exact and Maybelline Lash Discovery are my favorites.
2. Nail polish – Essie nail polish is used at many nail salons and you can find their dizzying assortment of colors at the local drugstore. At $7 a bottle, the streak free, chip resistant formula is a bargain. Honorable mention goes to Revlon’s Colorstay nail polish, which while they don’t have nearly the same number of color options as Essie, hands down has the longest wearing formula. At 8-10 days of wear, you’ll be bored of it before it comes off on its own.
3. Blush - plenty of good colors to choose from.  Sally Hansen’s Natural Beauty by Carmindy line has some cream blushes which are easy to apply and look natural.
4. Face and body wash – My situation is different than most because I am allergic to many cleansers, so I have to use Cetaphil, but even when I stray to other fancy brands, I realize simple really is best. There’s a reason this stuff is recommended by dermatologists. There are few ingredients, which means less possibilities for irritating you skin, and it gets the job done. They have formulas for dry, normal and oily skin and they’re all good.
5. Moisturizer - Again this goes to Cetaphil. Stay away from the lotion, since it doesn’t absorb well and can make you feel clammy. Counter intuitively, the richer moisturizer is perfection. No fragrance to irritate. Works equally well on the entire body as it does under the eyes. My mother, who hordes Lancome eye cream like Ponce de León at a watering hole, would be horrified. I’ve never bought in to the idea that you need a separate eye cream, neck cream, foot cream, and on and on until each body part has it’s own laundry list of products and regimes. If it’s gentle enough for the face, it should be gentle enough for the eyes. This calms my skin when it gets angry. Enough said.
6. Moisturizer with SPF – Not to bore you, but Cetaphil’s Daily Moisturizer, SPF 15 is lightweight yet moisturizing and performs well under makeup. Can you tell I like this brand?
7. Sunscreen for the body – Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry-Touch with Helioplex SPF 70. Don’t ask me why you would need an SPF that high. Peace of mind? Some dermatologists will even tell you you don’t – it’s just marketing. All I know is that whether I’m in Hawaii, Aruba or Napa, I have never gotten burned using this stuff. Too bad I can’t use it on my face since it stings like crazy.
8. Anti-aging products – Truth be told, I don’t use these, but Olay’s Regenerist line has received accolades from so many different sources that I had to mention it here. It’s expensive for a drugstore brand, but considering you can easily spend $500/month on dept store goo, it’s a downright bargain.
9. Lip Gloss – let’s be honest, any goopy wet formula isn’t going to have great staying power and most glosses are not super pigmented, so why spend mucho dinero on them? Cover Girl Wetslicks in Berry Splash is a popular one.
10. Lip Liner – Rimmel’s and Wet & Wild’s are insanely popular. Sephora has some good cheap ones as well.
11. Lipstick – there’s a wide array of lippies to fulfill all your pucker’s needs.
12. Powder – Cover Girl’s translucent powder gets raves.

Now here’s what you’re better off buying at a department store or Sephora:

1. Foundation - A product you apply to your entire face and which has to match it perfectly isn’t something you want to attempt to buy at a drugstore. Or maybe you do. If you’re feeling plucky and don’t mind the fact that you can’t test any of the colors out at your local CVS, go for it. L’oreal True Match is the way to go. If you end up seeing pictures of yourself at your friend’s wedding looking like you had a head transplant because your face is 2 shades darker than your neck, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
2. Eyeshadow – I’ve never had any luck with the kinds at drugstores. They look nice enough in the packages, but they either go on chalky or don’t have enough pigment to them.
3. Eyeliner – Again I’ve never really found a keeper at the drugstore, with the exception of some Revlon ones. That said, there are some great eyeliners sold by entry-level dept store brands, such as MAC and Clinique.

Feel free to take me out to a nice steak dinner with all the money you’ll save.

I’m going to give you a glimpse into my brain. If you’re frightened, you should be. One day I was mundanely brushing along with my Sonicare tooth brush when I thought “Wouldn’t it be great if they made something like this for the face?” Living in NYC and the inescapable grime which accompanies that, New Yorkers are tormented by images of their pores filling up with the nastiest crud you can imagine. I’m pretty sure this wishful thinking came to me shortly after a summer afternoon while stuck on a sidewalk behind a bus blowing noxious fumes in my face. Or maybe it was when the homeless man stumbled on me on the 6 train? (No really).

Whatever it was that provoked this train of thought, I knew if any one could win the battle of the pore, it was the good people at Sonicare. I mean they already figured out and patented the whole sonic/thousands of oscillations per second thing with their tooth brushes, which has rendered me permanently incapable of using a manual tooth brush. Fast forward a few years, and as if they yanked the idea right from my brain, the Clarisonic hit the market. What is Clarisonic? Well it’s essentially a giant electric brush for your face. Here’s what my heroes have to say:

The Clarisonic Skin Care Brush uses a patented sonic frequency of more than 300 movements per second to clean, soften and smooth your skin. In just 60 seconds a day, the Clarisonic micro-massage action cleans more than twice as effectively as manual cleansing. Even makeup is removed six times better than standard cleansing. And skin is left so clean it actually absorbs products like serums and moisturizers better.

I am such a sucker for these kinds of before and afters

Ever the guinea pig, I didn’t even wait for reviews before buying this baby. I wasn’t disappointed. This thing rocks. It’s akin to discovering cell phones which do my taxes, Tivo, and my beloved Japanese digital rice cooker which chirps Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. What’s so great about the Clarisonic? Hands down it’s the best exfoliator I ever used. All the dry, flaky bits? Gone. Serums, moisturizers, and other miscellaneous goo do penetrate better following use of this handy dandy gadget, which amounts to less breakouts, smoother skin and smaller looking pores. Oh and you can use it in the shower.

Then I got to thinking. Maybe you’re not supposed to remove all those layers that have built up on your face. Kind of like people who say you shouldn’t remove the calluses on your feet because they protect you and make it bearable to walk in torture contraptions, er I mean designer shoes. (For the record, I have no calluses, corns, bunions or anything else that would distinguish my feet from anything but perfect.) Maybe the Clarisonic makes your face more vulnerable to the assaults of the urban jungle? I have a cousin who swore her makeup protected her face even at night. When she saw me twitching at the notion of her sleeping in 7 lbs of pancake, and after my constant pleading, she agreed to wash her makeup off one night. Wouldn’t you know it she woke up with a giant zit! I’ve never seen the woman with so much as a pin prick of a blemish before (but that could be because I’ve never seen her in her natural state). I think she still holds it against me. Ok I know this sounds like crazy talk, but all of this is to illustrate a point. If you use the Clarisonic too much (i.e. more than once a day), it will aggravate your skin. And do you know what happens to aggravated skin? It produces more oil, which you got it, leads to breakouts. It’s the case of too much of a good thing. Consider yourself forewarned!

So why else should you buy the Clarionic? Because it’s one of Oprah’s Favorite Things. And really isn’t that reason enough?

Joan Holloway proves that you don’t need to show skin to be the hottest woman in the room. (OK, she’s often the only woman in the room, but still.) The Mad Men character has a sultry secretary style that would still turn heads today.

Makeup artist Debbie Zoller researches every character’s look to make it as authentically ’60s as possible, and she emphasizes Joan’s personality through her makeup. “Joan knows how to get what she wants by using her skills and sexuality,” Debbie says. “She reads all of the latest fashion magazines and knows what works best for her to make her presence known at Sterling Cooper. I play up her amazing eyes so she can mesmerize every man she comes in contact with.”

For a look at the precise products used to transform actress Christina Hendricks into Joan Holloway, read more.

• Face: Debbie uses Laura Mercier foundations to create a peaches-and-cream complexion, followed by Lancôme dual-finish powder to keep her skin matte. She then dabs Julie Hewett Cheekies on the apples of the cheeks. “I have [Christina's] smile so I know exactly where to put it,” Debbie says.
• Eyes: In true ’60s style, Debbie strokes black Dior liquid eyeliner on the top lid. She then uses watercake mascara on the top lashes only.
• Lips: “The lips are lined first with a lip liner that matches the lipstick we choose,” Debbie says.” She frequently turns to Laura Mercier lipstick in Baby Lips, a sheer pink; and Mistress, a pinky red.

Photo courtesy of AMC.

Joan Holloway

I am obsessed with the show Mad Men. The music haunts me. I am transfixed by Betty’s uncanny Grace Kelly-like beauty and Don’s brooding, dark good looks.  Most of all, the literary quality of the show appeals to the English Lit major in me. I know I’m not alone.  Practically everyone is obsessed with this brilliant show due to its tight writing, great acting, and amazing style. Seriously, who wouldn’t love to look like Joan Holloway? As the makeup department head of the show, Debbie Zoller is responsible for creating these sexy ’60s looks, and she shared a few secrets from the set. Soon, I’ll share her tips for recreating Joan’s sex-kitten look, but to learn more about the world of Mad Men now, read on.

The ’60s look is 100 percent authentic.
“I did a tremendous amount of research for both the first and second season of Mad Men. I used eBay a lot to order books and vintage magazines like Look, Life, and Ladies Home Journal. I designed the looks for the secretaries of Sterling Cooper from Sears catalogs and New York newspaper clippings from 1959 to 1962. I also asked members of my own family to send me photos from that period. Those were priceless!”

You won’t see any blue-ish lipsticks on the show.
“Because of the fluorescent lights in Sterling Cooper, I didn’t use any lipsticks or nail polish colors that had blue undertones. They popped out too much on film. I wanted everyone to look natural. I stuck to true reds, true pinks, and true corals.”

For inspiration, Zoller looked at a famous Mouseketeer.
“Betty’s look is inspired from a book on Grace Kelly, classic perfection. For Joan’s character, I used a very famous red-headed model from that era by the name of Suzy Parker as inspiration. And for Peggy, I looked to famous young actresses like Annette Funicello to capture her naiveté.”

Betty’s lipstick speaks volumes.
“I pay special attention to Betty’s lips so when she speaks she feels like she’s being heard.”

Everyone — everyone — on screen gets a specific look.
“The first thing that happens when I get a new script is a concept meeting with all of the department heads and Matt Weiner, the executive producer. He explains to us his vision and then we break off to do our homework and prepare. The costume designer and I will discuss color palettes for each character. Every actor, day-player, and background artist receives the same attention to detail. I then design their look from brows to lips to nails. Every actor, after they have been cast, comes in for a consultation with each department and then we do a test look. We take pictures and send them up to Matt for approval. The actors love it because they see the transition from current day to 1962. They are amazed at how they have been transformed in just a few hours.”

Photos courtesy of AMC

Come on admit it. You know you always wonder how they get those Victoria Secret models to look so hot. Apart from genetics, there are some serious hair and makeup maestros handling these rare creatures. Charlotte Tilbury did an inspiring job as the makeup director of this year’s Victoria Secret Fashion Show.  The concept for the look was Back to Glamour. I love this…the look was inspired by Bambi: lots of soft pinks and peaches, with tons of lower lash mascara, combined with warm, tanned faces and shimmery limbs well treated with products from the Victoria’s Secret Bare Bronze line. To avoid cheapening the look, black eyeliner was avoided in favor of chocolate shades.

The look is just plain pretty. Usually bronzer looks tacky and fake, but somehow they managed to keep the glamour on the classy side. (Imagine having multiple people work on your face, arms and legs, and hair at the same time. We might all look more angelic with that kind of help.)

Adriana Lima, pictured at right as she was prepped for the show, doesn’t need a lot of help in terms of getting a healthy boost of color. But she and the other darker skinned girls were going crazy for the shimmering body products that the makeup artists used to give their legs definition and high-beam reflection. Obviously these models would look amazing with no products whatsoever, but this is a fashion show: When you’re under those stage lights, walking a catwalk, you really want to go for it.

None of us may be in the market for a $5 million Fantasy Bra, but a $22 palette of gorgeous multi-color blush might give us just as much of a boost right now.