What are you smiling at?

I am angry. I am an angry New Yorker. It is my God-given right as a citizen of the world’s greatest city to criticize, rant and generally go on diatribes about anything and everything. I am especially angry when I ride the subway, which is at least twice a day. Why oh why must people block the doors so that people cannot exit or enter the train? Why must every genetically gifted person jut out their backside when I try to make my way to the interior of the train? Why must every non diminuitive person try to squeeze into the smallest seating space possible and crush me in the process? Do I not occupy space and matter too?  And why oh why is the stench of urine suddenly so overwhelming it brings tears to my eyes? I really hope my olfactory nerves are not becoming more perceptive with age. Cheerful persons will assert the subways are the vital arteries of the city that push us forward in a rush of life. I say a girl needs her breathing room every once in awhile (“Back away from the Manolos”). My brother tells me I need to move to the country (i.e. Connecticut) and interact with my neighbors, as if that would cure me. Meanwhile I laugh at the notion of me driving.

Still I have my methods of coping. I’m not nearly as angry as I used to be since getting an iPhone. Music helps me tune out the person to my left hip checking me and the greasy guy in front who calls me “chula” while staring at me like an escapee from Rikers. Another tool in my arsenal, albeit completely involuntary, is…I should be ashamed to admit this…I mentally give random people makeovers. I see so much bad style on the subways, it’s hard not to do. Here’s a round-up of the usual suspects. If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, run don’t walk to the nearest beauty professional…and read all the posts on this blog while you’re at (I’ve optimized this blog for mobile devices didn’t you know?).

• Fake nails – I don’t understand the appeal of going to a dirty nail salon every other week to have your nails sanded, blasted and filled with acrylic just so you can have obviously false nails and expose yourself to infectious diseases. The sheer boredom of waiting for your nails to dry while staring at a set of nails on the wall with airbrush designs from the ’80s (quite the convincing upsell) is unbearable. I tried tips twice (slow learner), but never again. It felt like my fingers were bird claws. I don’t particularly like not being able to clasp/unclasp jewelry, take out contact lenses, or type. Those seem like reasonable things to expect to do with your fingers. Fake nails are the cosmetics industry’s biggest con job. Save your money and buy yourself a good nail treatment – you’re going to need it after all the abuse your poor nails have been through.
• Too dark lipstick – I once met a 50 year old mother, who was not by the way Goth, wearing BLACK lipstick. I didn’t hear a word she said because I was fixated on her lips. The dialogue in my head went something like this “Her lips are BLACK. Why are they BLACK? Doesn’t she own a mirror? It reminds me of mold. Or the gross stuff you pull out from a drain. *Gag* I’m going to be sick.” Forget the YSL Fall Runway Show. It didn’t look good even on pre-pubescent-6 ft.-anorexic models, and no it won’t look good on you. And yet reports that women across the country were desperately trying to get their mitts on the very same color. Don’t slavishly follow trends, especially when you don’t know how much acid was consumed in creating them. Super dark colors (including reds and browns) are nearly always aging and frankly repulsive – they draw attention to discolored teeth and dark undereye circles.
• Frizzy hair – I know NY can be humid, but that’s why God invented hats and Pucci scarves. Seriously, a couple of minutes with a flat iron and a little Frizz Ease never hurt anyone.
• Too dark lip liner – See before & after photo. This makes the face look painted, much like a drag queen. Lip liner should not be that much darker than your lipstick or else you get an obvious ring.  Many people don’t need liner anyway.
• Too much foundation – No skin is so bad that it looks better with 20 lbs of pancake (you’ll note this is the second time I’ve used the word “pancake” in this blog. Nobody says “pancake” anymore except 80 year old grandmothers. I’m either really hungry or I’m just feelin’ this throwback). This too is aging. Use lighter formulas with more pigment and apply in thin layers.
• Wrong color foundation - In the photo you can see her foundation was too dark and orangey for her skin tone. If the color is too light, your skin will look chalky. It needs to be just right. Match it to your jaw. Makeup Forever and Bobbi Brown have a good range of colors, especially for yellow and olive undertones. If your undertones are pink, stick to Estee Lauder.
• Not enough color - So many sad, bare faces, so little time. See my post on the “5-Minute Face.”
• Tanorexia - Not as big of a problem as in CA, but I still see it sometimes. Step away from the tanning bed, spray tan, and bronzer. A little bronzer is ok, but don’t cake it on all over your face.
• Eyebrows drawn in too darkly – Refer to before & after photo. This is what I call the “witchy” look. Whenever I see it, I wonder what was so wrong with her natural look that she had to go and create this look? Doesn’t she look scary and unapproachable? The goal is for everything to blend in and work as a cohesive whole, not to call attention to any one feature like “Hello here are my eyebrows!” And while I’m at it, don’t ever ever tattoo your brows, or anything else on your face for that matter. First it looks unnatural, second it’s known to change color, third the position of your face changes with age, but the tattoo doesn’t, which makes for an awkward look. Back to our model. She’s better off with a brow powder which is a shade lighter than her hair color. Apply it with an angled brush in short, feathery strokes. Then go through it with a spoolie brush. See how much prettier she looks in the after photo?
  

  Before and After: Scary/Not Scary

• Too tight ponytail – I always feel the impulse to give two Advil to anyone wearing this style because I know they must have an awful headache. Loosen up. Life’s too short and your hair follicles are only dwindling.
• Crunchy hair – Are people really still wearing crunchy, curly hair from the ’80s? You betcha. The wet look is in full effect. Ladies, trade in the gel for styling cream (e.g. Frederic Fekkai Glossing Cream) and people won’t be afraid to hug you.
• Brassy hair color – What’s the point of having lighter hair if it looks like crap? If your hair is dark and you cannot find/afford a salon which will give you realistic looking highlights, you’re better off keeping it as is or using a color similar to your natural shade to cover grays. Don’t go to the same place you get your nails done for your highlights. I’ll end up seeing you on the train with countless others sporting orange or green tinted hair, tacky fake nails, and pocketless jeans. Do you really want to descend into the 7th circle of style hell?

Please ease my mental anguish and heed my advice. If you have a friend or relative who suffers from any of the above afflictions, it is your duty to perform an intervention. Together we can create a prettier world.